Hardest thing
by Naya5064
Summary: Brittana fic, but a personal story. How do you deal with the loss of your best friend, the girl you love? I'm not looking for bad comments, only a way to help me deal with things. Longer summary inside.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Very important: **

**This is a very personal story. My purpose of posting this is to deal with my feelings and to start grieving about the loss of my best friend. She died last August in a car accident. She was my best friend who I was in love with. I still can't accept that she's gone. I hope to achieve some closure while I write this. And maybe my story helps others who deal with the same thing. That's all I want from this story. The only thing I'm trying to gain out of this, is acceptance so I can live my life again like I should.**

**I'm using Brittana for this because some things were similar with how our relationship worked in some ways and because I can relate many things of myself to Santana. Also, Brittana made me see that I love girls and that it's ok. It made me accept myself.**

**I don't know if I'm gonna write more chapters or not. I don't know yet. I write what I feel. But I really wanted to post this now because I feel like it's the first step to accept what happend. I need to post this so I know it's real. It will probably make no sense to you but it does to me and it's really important. Thanks**

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August 2012

It was only when I saw her laying in that hospital bed that I realized this was really happening. That I was going to lose her. Only in this moment. Not when her mom called me, telling me Brittany was in a car accident. Not when I saw her family crying down the hallway. Not when I saw all of our friends crying. Not when the doctor said she had severe injuries and was in a coma. Not when they said her life was in danger and that there's was only a 5% chance that she would survive.

She looked so fragile and broken. Her eyes were closed, her body covered in tubes and bandages. Her skin so pale that she looked almost transparent. Like I could almost see through her. Her face was covered in cuts and bruises and the right sight of her head too. She looked nothing like the strong, healthy girl I know. She looked like a ghost.

The next two days were the worst of my life. I never left her room, I stayed by her side day and night. The whole time, I felt numb. I didn't feel hurt or sad. I didn't feel anything. Until Sam came in the room the next day to say good bye to her. I was so mad at him. I couldn't believe he gave up on her. And he was blaming me for the accident. He told me how he and Brittany had a fight about me and that she left angry and that that caused the accident. He was lucky her dad was there to restrain me or otherwise I would have killed him. I swear I would have.

That night I stayed up all night. I couldn't sleep anyway. So I talked to Britt. Told her how much I loved her and that I was so sorry about everything I did wrong. How much I missed her and how much I needed for her to wake up so she could be by my side again. I wasn't sure if she could hear me or not. So I just held her hand and waited for her to wake up.

The next day was even worse. It was the day Brittany's body gave up on her. She was too severely hurt and bruised. She had a lot of internal bleedings. The doctors said her body couldn't take it anymore. They were surprised her body lasted that long. Again at first it didn't realize what was happening, I just sat there still holding her hand. Our friends came in and everyone said their good byes. After that it was her family. Her mom was so heartbroken. And so was I.

February 2013

I sat in my car, waiting. I was not sure what I was waiting for. I looked to my right, at the single red rose that was laying on the passenger seat. My thoughts already full of memories. Gently, I picked up the rose and brought it to my face. I inhaled the scent of the flower, the scent of _her. _

I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car with the rose in my hand. Dressed in _her _old favorite hoodie and some jeans, chills attacked my skin even though it was pretty warm for a winter day. I looked around the parking lot and noticed I was all alone. _Good._

I took my time to get where I wanted to be and when I finally got there; I stared at the sky for a while. Then I closed my eyes and listened to everything around me. I could hear the wind softly blowing through the trees. I could hear birds whistling nearby. I felt the sun beaming on my skin and feel it warming me up in my veins. I could tell Spring was around the corner. It was peaceful.

When I finally looked down, the chills were back. I took a seat in front of _her_ on the grass. It was still wet from the rain this morning but I didn't care. I played idly with the rose before I smelled it again.

"Hey Britt" My voice was a bit raspy but I was surprised it sounded steady.

"I know it's been a while, I'm sorry. But I couldn't bear myself to come back until now. I have so much I want to say to you but I don't know if you will hear it…But I'm going to try." I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes so I could see her face again. Because every time I close my eyes, I see her. I see her beautiful face with those deep blue eyes, her cute freckles and her lips.

"I know that last time I was here, I didn't say anything. I was so mad and so hurt then but not because of you. I could never be mad at you, or at least not for long. I wanted to let you know I got your letter. I loved it but it's such a shame you weren't here to read it with me like you promised. You promised you would never leave me. You promised that we would be forever..."

I already felt my cheeks getting wet by the tears that were silently rolling down my cheeks. I had to stay strong, just for a little while longer. I need to say what I wanted to say.

"You know B, me and you were always the dream team. Since we were kids it's been you and me against the world. We never needed anyone else as long as we had each other. You're my best friend. But now I've lost you and because of that I lost myself. But before I came here, I read your letter again and it made me realize something. I made me realize that I'm lucky.

I'm lucky that I had you in my life and that you were such a big part of it. You still are. And no one can take that away from me. You're gone but not forgotten. I will always keep you by my side because I feel you're there."

"Remember when we were twelve and went on our yearly vacation together? Where was it again…oh yeah Spain. We had some good times there…but what I remember the most that you made friends with some other kids at the hotel and I was so sad because I thought you didn't wanted to be my friend anymore because you hung out with those kids. But then you came to me and said you would rather spend time with me. And you promised you would never leave me."

"When you died, I was convinced you broke that promise. And I was so mad. I was mad at you and everyone around me…But after a while I realized you could never leave me because I will always have you in my heart and in my mind. And now I also know that this isn't a good bye. I _will_ see you again. I know I said I didn't believe in the afterlife and all that crap but now that you're not with me, I know it's true because it's impossible that when you die, you just vanish. How could you be gone for good when I see you in my dreams every night. So no, no good bye. It will be a see you later because we'll be together again. But in the mean time, I'm going to try and make something of my life here because I know you wouldn't want me to give up on life. You would want me to live my life at the fullest. You would want me to chase my dreams, you would want me to find love again and have kids and grow old and die from age. You would want all of that just because you want me to be happy no matter. You're that kind of person. But I have to say it hasn't been easy so far. But I'll tell you because I still want to share my life with you."

I was surprised how strong I was at the moment. Yeah I had some tears spilling from my eyes but I wasn't crying my heart out like I have before. At this moment I was ready to come to peace with my feelings and emotions so I could live my life again for her. For Brittany.

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**I want to dedicate this story to my best friend. You're death broke me but I'm trying to put the pieces back together. I will always have you in my heart and I will never forget you. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I love you.**


	2. AN

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know I won't be available for a while because of personal reasons. I don't know yet if I'm going to keep writing, it will all depend on how I come back. A lot of things happend lately and I didn't Always dealt with them the right way. But here by I want to thank my dear friends who support me and my amazing girlfriend and off course my wonderful readers. Thank you.

Hopefully till soon!


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